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Top 5 reasons dating a Porn Star is NOT really a good idea.
Lets face it. We’ve all dreamed about it yet few of us have ever actually experienced the trials and tribulations of dating a professional Porn Star. Speaking from experience, I am here to tell you that it’s actually not all it is cracked up to be. You can compare dating a porn star to buying a really good looking used luxury car. You know you shouldn’t do it because it’s been used and abused, the engine may or may not crap out on you, many other people have put thousands of miles on it before you did and at any moment the car may just straight up take a huge shit and leave you on the side of the highway full of heart ache and regret. So instead of investing in a polished turd, you’re better off buying a shiny new car with zero miles on it that you can rag out yourself.
Here are 5 reasons why dating a Porn Star is NOT really a good idea.
5. Porn Stars are a little fucked up in the head.
Believe it or not, women that get paid to do nasty things on camera are actually a little messed up in the head. It may be because a random stepdad may have been a bit too friendly when they were younger or a former boyfriend went all domestic violence on their ass, there is a reason that she’s ok with showing her asshole to millions of horny guys on the internet. And believe me when I tell you, you don’t want to be on the receiving end of that shit show.
4. They have WAY more sexual experience than you ever will.
Imagine trying to have sex with a girl that instead of having fun with it and enjoying the sweet nookie, she is laying there directing your every move like an air traffic controller trying to land a plane.
3. Sex with her will NEVER resemble what she does on video.
If you are expecting to be having mind blowing insane sex in every position imaginable for hours on end with your new porn star girlfriend, think again. After working on a porn set for 8+ hours doing every sex act known to man, your professional porn star girlfriend will barely have the energy nor the interest in doing anything more than just laying there uninterested while you plow her. Anything that requires more energy than getting down on all fours and pointing her ass backwards is going to be frowned upon. The fact of the matter is, she fucks dudes all day, stand in line and get over yourself.
2. You will undoubtably get into many fights with other guys.
When you are out at a bar or club with your professional porn star girlfriend, you will without doubt run into guys that have seen her in action. Therefore you’re going to get a slew of horny ass douchebags
1. You may catch an incurable disease.
Lastly, the biggest reason that dating a Porn Star may not be such a good idea is that whether you want to or not, catching an incurable STD may be on your agenda unless you protect your wiener like it was Fort Knox. You may choose to ignore this simple fact but Porn Stars do not use condoms when they shoot scenes. Nobody wants to watch two or more people fucking after they choose to practice safe sex and put a rubber on like normal people. We want to watch two people going at it dirty style with a reckless disregard for basic hygiene. Porn producers know this simple fact and they insist porn stars go at it bareback for our viewing pleasure. So if you choose to date a porn star, whether you want to face it or not, you may wake up one morning with a dick that looks like a cheese pizza with everything on it.
So lately I’ve been hearing a lot of crap about how big girls are not as good as skinny girls, guys are embarrassed to be seen walking down the street with their chunky lover, they smell like bologna twat etc. That’s a bunch of bullshit I tell you! BBW girls are AWESOME!!! I am a proud chunky lover and I am not afraid to admit it. Now I will also admit that the Porn Monkey likes ALL girls equally but sexy ass BBW girls hold a special place in my heart. I am here today to give you my Top 5 reasons that dating BBW girls is great! Keep reading.
5. BBW Girls are not afraid to try freaky sex.
If you are in the mood to try some freaky ass shit in bed that you’ve never tried before, you won’t have to ask a BBW girl twice. She’ll be down before the words even come out of your mouth. Wanna fuck her feet? Check! Wanna stick it in her ass? Check! Wanna eat a bowl of Spaghetti out of her ass? Check! Wanna spread peanut butter all over your ass and have her eat it off? Check! There is not one thing you could suggest to BBW girls that won’t get an enthusiastic approval. Go try it now! I beg you.
4. BBW Girls are more “cushion for the pushin” for us lucky guys that are well endowed.
For the lucky guys out there, myself included who have been blessed with a big shiny cock, a skinny ass 110 pound skin and bones girl is not going to cut it. I’m sorry to tell you but seriously girl, eat a cheeseburger. I need a girl with a little bit more meat on her so I have something to grab while I’m impaling her with my meat sword. If all you have for me to grab is some skinny ass boney hips, I’m sorry but I’m going to annihilate you and you’re going to feel me in the back of your throat. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t discriminate against pussy. I love ALL pussy. Just like I love ALL Pizza. But I also love Lombardi’s pizza a hell of a lot more than I love Pizza Hut. I’m just saying.
3. You’ll never be told you’re fucking her too hard.
This one goes along with number 4. BBW Girls love to fuck! And they love to fuck HARD! You can pretty much grab a BBW girl by the hips and pound her all night for 6 straight hours and she won’t even break a sweat. Try that on a little 5’1, 110 pound cutie pie and see what she tells you after 15 minutes. Unless she is a professional porn star and does more cocaine than Scarface, she won’t be able to handle a well endowed guy. She just can’t. She won’t! You’ll break the poor girl in two pieces and she won’t be able to walk straight for two weeks. Find yourself a thick and juicy BBW girl and you will not have this problem.
2. BBW Girls know how to suck a dick the right way.
If dick sucking was a sport in the Summer Olympics, the top three finishers would all be BBW girls. One white BBW girl, one black and one Latina BBW in no specific order. These girls are fucking surgeons when it comes to the art of sucking a dick. I don’t know if it’s because they send them away to cock sucking camp when they’re younger or it’s just a genetic thing but if you want a blow job that will send your eyes rolling back for hours, find yourself a BBW girl. Shit they’ll even lick your ass without being asked.
1. Food and Fucking go hand and hand with a BBW girl.
If you have never had food eaten off of you by a girl while laying the pipe down then you have not lived my friend. True story I kid you not. I once picked up this sexy ass blonde BBW girl along with her roommate at a club one night. Not even three drinks deep and both of them were all over my dick and dragging me to their condo two blocks down the street for some chunky love sexy time. After we get into the condo both of them strip down butt naked and start going at it 69 for about 15 minutes until the one girl goes to the cabinet and takes out a jar of Nutella and starts spreading it all over my dick and balls. And you guessed it, her roommate starts eating it off of me and rubbing it all over her face while the friend keeps spreading it on thick while taking turns eating it off me. This went on for about 45 minutes and I tell you this with not one shred of sarcasm that this was the best experience of my life thus far. If you have yet to eat and fuck with a BBW, go and try this NOW! Thank me later.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past few years, you have unfortunately heard about this wicked contraption called a Sybian Machine that has been taking the female masturbation world by storm. If you’re like me and I am assuming you are since you’re here reading my porn site with your pants around your ankles just like I am, you are terrified about the thought that since women now have the option to have fierce, perpetual, NSA sex with a machine that can outperform any of us a hundred times over, where does that leave us? With our dicks held firmly inside our own knuckle sandwich that’s where.
This vile machine just single handedly made the male species irrelevant with the flip of a switch. According to it’s inventor, some man hating donkey dick named Dave from the 1970’s who apparently hates the idea of other guys getting laid, believed that with the help of this machine, women could easily attain an orgasm without the need for traditional coitus with a man. Hey asshole, thanks a lot. Way to ruin my chances of getting my dick wet this weekend. While I am out at the bar subjected to yet another 10 to 1 male to female ratio (aka Sausage fest) while trying to find a girl that will let me do things to her, here you go and further ruin my chances of possibly having an orgasm with someone other than my computer screen. Luckily some other “genius” invented the pocket pussy so we’re good for now.
For some people, Asssex is the unobtanium of sex acts that only exist in raunchy porn movies or questionable stories from your buddy who claims that the slutty girl at the bar last night let him stick it in her poop shoot. And then there are those lucky bastards that are fortunate enough to have a slew of women ready and willing to take out the lube and loosen up the ol’ sphincter for a night of good old-fashioned butt sex. I am here to tell you that although it may seem like a good idea at the time, asssex is one of those things best left to experienced porn stars on movie sets where the tequila flows like wine.
Starting with reason number 5 of why Asssex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be:
5. It’s never going to be as tight as it should be afterwards.
After that first few times of doing the nasty, your girlfriend or significant other or whoever else you have chosen to defile this week, that sphincter is just not going to ever be as tight as it should be leaving you and your sheets vulnerable to all sorts of yucky goodness to be discovered in the morning. It is scientifically proven that with every inch of penis that gets inserted into an anus, the anus begins to resemble more and more the shape and texture of an old deflated balloon.
4. A Cumfart is not as cool as it sounds.
Regardless of what your older brother may have told you about his experiences with making girls blow huge pussy farts (aka Queef) after an hour of rough pipe laying, the same does NOT apply to a cum fart. If you don’t believe me, watch this video. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
3. Most “normal” girls aren’t into it.
If you are currently dating a “normal” girl i.e. No serious daddy issues or other related childhood trauma that makes her act bat shit crazy, then you have one time or another broached the subject of hardcore surprise buttsex and gotten a look of revulsion common to most serial killers and other sexual deviants. The simple fact of the matter is that most girls that don’t suffer from serious mental instability or deep seeded abandonment issues are not at all interested in letting you stick it where the sun don’t shine. Clear and simple. If you are in a normal relationship and your partner is somewhat mentally stable, they will 9 times out of 10 give you a straight up “Oh Hell Naw” when you even mention the idea of sticking in her ass knot. So save yourself the headache and don’t even bring it up unless a bottle of tequila is involved.
Ok so you’re in the middle of doing the nasty with some drunk slut you just met at the bar. Your pumping along while she’s moaning and groaning. She gave you the go ahead to stick it in her brown eye and even let you pull it out and go ass to mouth on her so she can clean it off. Regardless of what Dante may have said in Clerks 2, some girls really do like going ass to mouth. But wait, after cleaning off your rod she detaches her mouth from your organ and starts ascending north so that she can stick her tongue down your mouth. You don’t think much of it because you still have baby batter on your brain and not thinking as clearly as you should. Before you know it she has her tongue down your throat and you’re indirectly tasting the better part of her inner colon without realizing it exposing you to all sorts of bacteria and fecal matter that will bring a whole new meaning to the term shit breath. Save yourself the trouble. Look before you cross.
Try this instead.
1: Whether you like it or not, she may shit all over you!
Let me lay out the scenario for you. You are at the bar having a few too many drinks with a girl half your size but capable of twice your drink capacity. You whisper a few sweet nothings into her ear and before you know it, she’s grabbing you by the hand and leading you to her fuck shack for a long drunken night of some sweet in and out. Now mind you, she’s been binge drinking for a few hours now and probably has not had a chance to release her bladder except for the 2 minutes she spent at the bar restroom surrounded by 25 other drunken co-eds trying to get her pee on as quickly as possible. At this point it is safe to say that she is still carrying yesterday’s lunch if you catch my drift. Before you know it you are both butt ass naked and doing the nasty on the quilt she made back in girl scouts and not long into her drunken tirade of dirty sex talk does she demand that you shove your meat stick into her tight balloon knot for some real fun. After a few pushes and moans you glance down at your rod and notice a trickle of juice running down your shaft which you mistake for normal sex juice since it’s somewhat dark so you brush it off and keep pumping away. After a few more hundred thrusts you start to notice that the sex juice is accumulating on your ball sack and this time it’s a little thicker and darker. SO what do you do? You pull your dick out of her balloon knot and with it comes a river of brown that sprays all over your junk ending what could have been the best night of your spank bank material. Lesson learned: Unless she has had a thorough water based enema and had at least two bowel movements in the last 12 hours before coitus, Don’t do it! Your sheets will thank me.